Mop-Up RAW 9.4.00
By Hyatte
Mop-Up RAW
"No one else will admit this??? Sorry Loser, you are the last one to admit it. Only geeks like you care about the ratings war. The mainstream wrestling fans who make up the majority of fans don't care how much money WCW is losing and they don't care who is winning the ratings. You need to get out of the house once in awhile and you will realize that. No one thinks there is a ratings war. Russo has even said there is no ratings war. You just couldn't come up with anything else to talk about. You are also under the assumption that becuase you say something is true ,then that means it is true. Wrong. You are just an internet loser who thinks he knows the wrestling business. Nope. You are just a guy who can't get a date so he lives vicariously through wrestling. You are someone who posts a column because on the internet it makes you feel important when in fact you are not. On the internet or in real life. You are just a self absorbed piece of shit. Get a much needed life. Go lose your virginity. Shooo fly."
joan harkness Dha@attcanada.ca
Gee, what set this bitch off? Usually, I have them MELTING. I must have banged her Mom... or something
"Hyatte, You suck. Plain and simple. Its a shame that those of us with higher and more reserved intelligence have to read the absolute filth that you put on this great website every week. I wouldn't be upset if you just went away..."
Charles Schott SchottC@NRD.NISSAN-USA.COM
Riiight... am I the only one who realizes that bragging about how much smarter you are then someone is about as ridiculous as bragging about your checking account?
By the way, my IQ has been twice measured as 134... hate to tell you kids, but I'm pretty bright. My problem is that I'm too damn lazy to learn anything
Hi, I'm Chris. This is the Mup-Op. Let's get a move on, starting, as usual, with a pair of plugs:
First: This week's AAT deals with the war between Nitro and RAW. Basically, the war is over. WCW lost. The column explains why. In reality, it's not even a total trashing of the company... I tried to be as objective as possible. It's really sparking a reaction so far among the readers... you should give it a look.
No, I didn't plan to write this on the week of Nitro's 5th year. Just one of those way cool coincidences that make me look so awesome.
Yes, the fact that the war is over makes that Scaia idiot look like a tool for talking about his "Monday Night War" column... nice timing, fu**face.
The thing is... it's a special AAT. It's something new I wanted to try. It's part one of a (kinda, sorta) two parter. Next week, I use the same theme, but told from the "other side of the coin"... basically, from the WWF's POV. You can read them both as stand alone columns, or do a little "cut and paste" and read it as one big column. I think that, by this time next week... you'll have two sides to the same story and maybe change your whole overall impression of what you read this week. At least, that's what I am going for.
The second thing is that this week's Closer is "Ask the Prick"... Scaia's a jizzbag and I want to rag on him a bit. End of story. He lies too. Someone sent me an e-mail he wrote last week saying that he "didn't even know I was still active" and "calling me out is part of Hyatte's gimmick." Nope, my "gimmick" is trying to write good shit every week... Scaia's "gimmick" is to be a know-it-all who pretends that any success he's had did NOT come from talking Mike Samuda into hooking up with him. Calling out web jackoffs is what I do for FUN... because nobody wants to mess with me after what I did to "Slymm" for two years.
I told you, they ALL lie about knowing me. It's AMAZING.
Schiavone mentioned me by NAME on WCW Live last week. Did Scherer allow it to be posted? Nope! If Al Gore mentioned something that Tom Brokaw asked him in an interview with Dan Rather, would CBS edit it? Of COURSE not. The Net is a pack of CHILDREN!!! That's why I act like one.
Moving on... if you ventured over to 1wrestling.com, you noticed that they have assembled a variety of "wrestling personalities" to take part in a Football Picking pool. Guys like Tony Schiavone, Disco Inferno, Cyrus, Joey Styles, and a great many other "wrestling personalities" are a part of it.
Oh, as well as Bob Ryder and Dave Scherer. They are in this too.
So, Bob and Dave now consider themselves "Wrestling Personalities".
Unreal.
Let's see... of all the things I had going last week... the Road 2, Ask the Prick, The OWEN awards... wanna know what got the biggest reaction?
My little commentary on "OZ"... THAT generated the most responses. You guys LOVE the show. Hell, even my little 17 year old pot head watched the show so she could relate to me better (she is obsessed with me, yo). Nice to see you people have some taste.
So, what I learned about "Oz" is that the second part of the season will run in January... 8 new shows. I also learned that HBO was about to cancel it for a new show... but the new show really wasn't that good, so they gave Oz that slot. I don't know if Oz will continue to run two half seasons a year... or if we have to wait a year after the second half of the season is finished... but new shows are just a few months away... life is good.
As far as the last Oz show went... the "season finale"... I've gotten complaints about the pacing of the main storyline's climax... saying it was too damn quick and abrupt. Well, I say... keep in mind that when you have a certain amount of time to tell a lot of stories, sometimes scenes get edited in order to get everthing in there within the alloted time frames. That's the price you have to occasionally pay.
Me, I liked the whole Shakesperean quality to the main story... Adabese starts off the season with a plan to take control of the Kingdom... he successfully schemes and manipulates... he overthrows the ruler and places his own puppet King in... he rules the kingdom... the overthrown King has an ally inside... the ally may not like the old King, but likes the New King even less... the ally makes friends with the new ruler in hopes of overtaking him... the new King gives the ally what he needs, thinking that the ally will learn to like the new kingdom anyway... the ally helps overthrow the new King and get the old king back... the new King, now out of power, is exiled from the kingdom... the new (old) King attacks the traiterous ally... they fight a battle... the new (old) King stumbles out... he falls...the ally stumbles out bloody and with a knife in his hand... the very last picture is on the fallen man who would be King... dead.
That's like... totally Bard... dudes! Bard with lots of gay stuff. Which makes sense since Shakespeare was a FLAMING homosexual too. Oh it's true, it's true.
Finally, do you know the "Hip Hop" Magazine named "Source"? It's mostly written by white people. No WONDER the "Hip Hoppers" riot at their awards.
Oh... and thanks to all of you who sent me condolenses about the loss of my dog last week. Hey, try reading the column all the way through this week! Morons.
I am starting the recap now. I realize that many of you choose now to run to the closer. Too bad... because somewhere in this recap is a "secret word". If you spot it, send the secret word over to Murtz Jaffer and he'll send you $50. 411: Where we pay YOU to read!
RAW is WAR: (or Kane SPEAKS... well... he MUMBLES!)
-Opens with the ending of tonight's installment of the U.S. Open. You know what they say... the Tournament doesn't officially begin until Anna Kournikova is eliminated.
-I look at that chick and just KNOW... she's the snobbiest cooze on the planet. I never heard her speak at all, but I can still tell.
-Trust me... jam the tail end of a broom up there, she'll scream just like the rest of them. Only she'll scream in RUSSIAN!!! and "Nyet" sounds a HELL of a lot like "YES"!
-Oh, that reminds me... to you new College Freshmen out there... always remember... if she's passed on on your bed, be sure to take her head and nod it up and down... BOOM... she just said yes... let the fondling begin
-commercials
-WWF: One World. To the victor, go the spoils. It will be QUITE a while before the WWF has problems filling a 6'000 seat building.
-last week on Smackdown, HHH was ARRESTED!!! (You were warned mother F-er... cruelty to animals... just because the Sheep went "BAAAA" did NOT mean it liked it)
-We see how Eddie Guererro has been put into the main angle mix.
-Princess Stephanie took a DDT but was not injured. A team of highly trained Veterinarians
couldn't save her rat, Blinky, though... Vince even flew in Michael Clarke Duncan for a little of that magic touch... MCD was heard to say, in that falsetto voice, "N-Word PLEASE... That was a MOVIE!!"
-opening theme
-fireworks... in ten years, that "RAW is WAR syndrome" will kick in... then Vince will know what a mass lawsuit feels like... oh yes.
-Quick scan of the camera catches a sign that read, "CHYNA IS THE MAN"... HAW!!! Finally.. a little IRONY!! Someone used their BRAIN.
-Jim Ross welcomed us and QUICKLY began the hype to keep us up until 1 am with a KILLER main event... which I REFUSE to waste valuable typing energy by writing down. We'll get to it when we get to it.
-WWF New York is LIVE AND KICKING!!! Meanwhile, I hear the Nitro Grill in Las Vegas is now considering putting in Slot Machines to try to attract that lucrative "degenerate-mush-who-can't-even-take-30-minutes-to-eat-before-jonesing-for-some-action" crowd.
-Gambling... the one vice I could NEVER abuse. I go to a Poker game with $20 in quarters in my pocket and start to freely sweat after losing $5.
-Jerry Lawler is with Ross... Two hours with the King is MORE than enough to get rid of that F-Ing Madden.
-Things get going with 3H and his Wife, Stephanie McMahon coming out. They saw the ratings last week... they were happy... so now it's back to their patented 20 MINUTE MONOLOGUE!!!
-Is Stephanie wearing pig tails? OH... that's so HOT!!
-well, she's not... but she IS wearing a shirt form the "Wilma Flintstone Collection"... OH... I'd like to... err... you better get ready for this bit of lameness... I'd like to hit her with a little of my yabba dabba GOO!!
-I told you... don't say you weren't warned.
-Oh yeah... the "snotty, pissed off debutante" look is COOKING... MAKE IT COOK, SISTER!!!
-HHH got on the stick and said that in his career, he's done some "pretty terrible things" (WAIT A SECOND... I thought BRET screwed Bret?)
-I'm tempted to toss in a line about Owen and bacon grease... but I did it already a while ago... and like the bumbleF**k that I am, I wrote down the wrong goddam city.
-HHH has done some pretty "heinious" things... but he's pretty proud of all of them! (hmm... are we finally going to get the definitive statement regarding Chyna's gender? IT'S ABOUT BLOODY TIME!!!)
-I know, I know... beastiality, Chyna's maleness, Owen, Bret... same Goddam references... I know... I KNOW... IT'S NOT LIKE HHH HAS A DEEP, LAYERED HISTORY YOU KNOW!!! I CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH WITH THESE GODDAM PEOPLE!!! GET OFF MY F-ING BACK!!!!!!!!!
-The one thing HHH has NEVER did was HIDE who he is a WHAT he does... (okay, John Paul... whatever you say, Froggy)
-HHH is UP FRONT... and he can accept it.
-He CAN'T accept the chant of "SLUT" that echoed throughout the building... of course, he didn't do anything about it.
-Chant of "ASSHOLE"... Hunter admitted to it.
-oh God... this is going to be a nine hour session. The SECOND he starts capping off his words with "aaa", I am OUTTA HERE!
-He can NOT accept getting put into the pokey on Thursday... he SHOULD have been in the ring... doing that voodoo that he do so well.
-He SHOULD have been proving once againaa... that he is the Gameaa... and that he isaa... that damn goodaa. WHERE THE HELL IS FOLEY WHEN YOU NEED HIM???
-Instead, he was in some hole in the wall room in North (or maybe South) Carolina police department getting questioned over and over again. (A: I didn't know he was a suspect in the Jon Benet Ramsey case and B: Why the Hell is the North (or South) Carolina Police involved?)
-3H REFUSED to leave the ring tonight until he finds out WHO tried to get him busted. He is officially staging a "sit-in"... (ah... you see, THIS is why they can't make any headway in the ratings against the... heh... Nitro Jug... ho ho... Jug... titter titter.... Ju... bwahaa... JuggernahHAHAHAHAHA BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
-oh... I'm sorry... heh... couldn't get that one out... HA!
-Mick Foley FINALLY came out. (Now if only Tom Cruise will come clean)
-He enters the ring. He grabs the mic and says that he TOO wants some answers, because not only was Hunter's night ruined... Mick's Smackdown main event was ruined TOO! (yeah!! If the main event got any lamer... it might have begun to almost enter the vicinity of the outskirts of the jurisdiction of the commonwealth of "Thunder").
-Mick tried to figure out who would have "just cause" to harm HHH... he narrowed the field down to roughly 357 people. (Hey!! I was chipping golf balls at the time!!)
-Mick's first suspect was STEPHANIE!!! Citing her perceived infatuation with Kurt Angle and maybe getting rid of the jealous husband for the night?
-Stephanie got on the stick and showed that NOBODY will confuse her voice with Mariah Carey's... ("My Husband" is a front runner for most ear splitting phrase on television)
-Mick told Stuffed that once he realized that who ever planned this had to be "cold, calculated, and clever", which automatically puts her out of the running. (yeah, but she blows like a goddam guppy... a goddam GUPPY!! TORQUE, people... the girl understands TORQUE!!!)
-Mick then accused Triple H! Hunter said that even though he personally scrambled Mick's brains a few times... it couldn't be THAT damaged... why would he do that?
-Mick presumed that maybe HHH did it for sympathy from his wife and the fans? Maybe?
-Hunter said maybe Foley was the "dumbest jackass on God's green earth?" Maybe LAST week I would have considered it... but then a certain presidential candidate muttered a few words to a certain running mate about a certain reporter for the friggin' New York Times (of all the reporters to insult... he had to pick one from the most influential and important daily in the world) in front of an OPEN MICROPHONE... I MAY have to encourage you folks to vote for Al... this GWB is really starting to scare me.
-3H accused Foley of trying to turn this around on him. I accuse Foley of stretching this bitch out WAAAY too long.
-3H (because sometimes... typing "HHH" is TOO DAMN HARD!!) says that he has seen ANOTHER side to Mick Foley that the fans just don't see... he sees a "miserable, twisted, manipulative guy who wants to end his marriage because HHH ended his sorry ass career" (I thought Mick's loud-mouthed Wife did that? It was because of her nagging that we couldn't get to see Mick reach the apex of his career and die in the ring? DAMMIT!!! THE FANS DESERVED TO WATCH MICK DIE!!!!!!)
-Mick said that he was NOT the culprit... because he is "WW... Co..WF Commisioner" (uh oh... he's going, folks... it won't be long now) as well as for other reasons. (Lawler doubted that Mick knew the number to 911)
-Mick decided that there HAS to be one other possible suspect... Kurt Angle (DAMN... I thought maybe it would've been Abdullah the Butcher... for some stupid reason).
-Angle came out and said that he felt like Richard Jew. (HEY!!! No need to get UGLY!!!)
-OHH... Richard JEWEL!!! The guy who blew up the park in Atlanta. During the Olympics... the very Olympics where Kurt won those prestigious medals, by the way. (speaking of which, does ANYONE miss Mark Henry? Yeah, me neither).
-Angle admitted to not liking how Hunter hit Stephanie... but he did NOT rat him out... he's a man of Integrity.
-Instead... what about the one person who DOES have an interest in breaking this couple up? What about Chyna?
-You see... CHYNA has a connection to HHH. CHYNA has had past relations with HHH... and CHYNA has shown to share HHH's pleasure in hurting Angle's good friend, Stephanie... so it's clear to Kurt, that the REAL culprit is JOHNNY RODZ!!!!!!!!!! (HA!! How's that for being UNPREDICTABLE??????)
-HHH was about to call Kurt and stupid little C-Sucker (I read the script beforehand... it was to be a RAW first) when Foley interrupted him and said that Angle brought up a good point... and since he knew Chyna was backstage watching this (err... I'd rather think she was watching Eddie Guererro and thinking to herself, "what did I do to deserve THIS slice of Hell?")... why don't she come on out?
-Chyna came out. She said that although she really enjoyed dumping the Princess on her head... ratting out her ex is not her style. Besides, "I am with Eddie Guerrero"... (absolutely ZERO emotion behind that)
-Mick said that then maybe Latino Heat was a culprit? So...
-Eddie came out. The first words out of his mouth were, "Whachoo talkin' about, ese?" (BIG laugh from the crowd... suddenly, Konan is respectable)
-"Joo know... if you t'ink I wan'ed Treeple Aitch outta da' picher... I woudda...woudda"... aye carumba
-Eddie finshed by saying the 8 words he's probably been repeating since he was 10... "I t'ink joo got da wrong guy, ese" (replace "ese" with "officer")
-Mick says that all the potential suspects are out there... but no one is fessing up... so why don't they ask the FANS???
-Mick went through each name and based his decision on the cheers? (Umm... didn't Marcia Clark and Chris Darden try this ploy?)
-Angle was voted as the culprit.
-One note... as Mick asked for a response to Chyna's guilt, his hand pointed to her chest... Chyna raised it to the top of her head and smiled sweetly. It was a cute moment.
-As Foley moved in towards Angle... obviously setting uit up s thatr he would get the pop... Angle cut him off and wished everyone in the building a "happy and healthy Labor Day"... even that big moose of a security chief had to turn around and chuckle.
-SHOW OF HANDS... who out there would LOVE to see that WWF Security Chief beat the living piss out of Dillenger? Come on... raise your hands... I'm raising mine... come on now!!
-Everyone in your vicinity is staring at you and wondering why your hand is up in front of a computer screen... you F-Ing MORON!!!
-Ladies and Gentlemen... I give to you, the official PATTERSON JOKE OF THE WEEK!!
-Mick took Kurt towards the back to "speak to the authorities" (I believe that's code for "Sponge Bath with Pat")
-And so ends another thrilling installment of the official PATTERSON JOKE OF THE WEEK!!
-I know... I know
-meanwhile, Test came out with Trish Stratus. Test has had a confession that he wanted to make for a long time (WAIT... lemme guess... he once fingered a drunk Pamela Anderson Lee while Tommy was banging Chasey Lain?)
-No... he asked HHH if he remembered "November 29th, 1999"... Hunter nodded with a big smile.
-Test said that date was supposed to be the "greatest moment in his life!" He was supposed to get married and get all the perks from being a common law McMahon. (plus... SOCIALITE ANAL!!!!!)
-Instead, Hunter swept the bitch up and took his heat.
-Sooo... TEST ratted out HHH and had him busted.
-Mick booked a one on one grudge match on the spot. Meanwhile... poor Pat is sitting in a cooling tub with his little rubber ducky, calling out, "HELLOOOO, HELLOOOO... MY BALLS AREN'T GOING TO WASH THEMSELVESSSS... HELLOOOOO?"
-So, you get a bonus... because the OFFICAL line was so LAME
-I have to wonder... did they plan this out from the start? Or was this more like they sat around a few hours earlier and decided "F-It, let's finally bring closure to this once and for all?"
-Gee... they should hire Dallas Page just so they can REALLY show WCW up and make Vince his "mysterious benefactor"
-Actually, they really SHOULD hire Page. The man is so damn happy to be in the business... he's great for moral. He's a great mentor to the young stars... and he WILL put people over... plus he's good friends with Austin... so Steve will be happy. I'm sure he's buds with Foley too. And, they'll get Kimberly. It's a win/win situation.
-Test said payback is like Stephanie... (give it a little Crack and it'll swallow you dry?)... and he used the dreaded "B" word.
-HHH charged...it turned into a brouhaha. Even Mick got involved.
-this segment came to a close. Ross said that they have a QUINTUPLE main event for tonight (oh, let's not PUSH it Jimbo!!!)
-Rocky was in the building.
-commercials
-moments ago... well Jesus... I spent 5 pages on it already
-The Rock came out. I'll pay good money to hear him say, "The Playa sucks and the Game blows".
-... whew... I SWEAR... the Nitro recap is MUCH better... too bad most of y'all HATE Nitro and refuse to even read the recaps. I wonder if CRZ has the same problem with HIS Nitro readership.
-Rocky takes a RARE seat with the Announcers... well, him sitting DOWN is a rare occasion... I doubt there is anything extraordinary about the seat.
-The first thing Rocky sez is that Mick Foley really did take one too many bonks on the head from a chair (yeah, from YOU!!! YOU NEVER EVEN APOLOGIZED, YOU SCUMBAG!!! BLAUSTEIN KNOWS!!! BLAUSTEIN SAW!!!!)
-Y'see, Foley erroneously called HHH the WWF champ (someone snuck a peak at the year end BOOKING SHEETS!!!!). Rocky took umbrage with that.
-Chris Benoit came out. Rocky was there to hopefully see Benjy and Kanjy beat each other's brains in. (in where?)
-Smackdown footage of this angle
-Kane walked out. He is a MONSTER!!! Hitler is looking down from Heaven (he repented his sins two seconds before dying... that's all you need, Yo. God Bless Catholicism)
-Plus... God wasn't... you know... let's NOT even try that one.
-Benoit and Kane for #1 contendership... still, odds are Unforgettable.. or whatever the PPV is named... will feature Rocky and HHH... again... suddenly, I'm up for a solid WCW PPV... or a WCW PPV at ALL.
-The kids start swinging... Rocky says that Kane may be unstoppable... but his face STILL look like... like... Rocky drew a blank, so drew on the old standby, "You're CANDY ASS!!!!"
-Kane with a NASTY... I forget
-Rocky said that Kane face looked like... Jesus... an Orangutan took off the mask... crapped on his face, lit it on fire... then stomped it out with a pair of football shoes... (suddenly, I ain't hating the playa OR the game)
-Kane pointed at Rocky... I suddenly had an epiphany... Rocky has been asked NOT to call Kane a "Big Red Retard" anymore!!! Not with Viacom in the picture!!!
-five years ago, Kane would have torn through Benoit in 2 seconds... well, the fake Diesal would have... or was that Isaac Yankem? Times change.
-Benoit with a diving headbutt. Much like Flair's figure four... it's most effective when it's pushed.
-Kane gives Benoit a NICE "Scorpion Death Drop" that went over the ropes.
-things spilled outside... Benoit yelled at Rocky... Rocky said, "bring it, you no-toothed (bleep)" (even edited.. it was funny)
-Kane grabbed the Rock and pulled him away from the table... pausing long enough to let Rocky carefully remove his headset and place it down (those bad boys cost a few shekels)... Benoit hit Kane from behind with a chair... Benoit was DQed. Normally, Benoit is pinned in these situations... so you Benoit fans can call this a small victory.
-Rocky gives Kane the Rock Bottom... his music is played... dude didn't even work and he gets the closing song... this is why WCW RULES!!
-commercials
-Do you realize that Chyna's Stackers commercial offers NO actual medical PROOF that it does what it claims to do? All she says is that she likes a man who gobbles Stackers.
Mop-Up RAW 9.4.00
By Hyatte
-moments ago... Rocky wins without taking off his shirt
-The Dudleys come out with a table. If D-Von's hand and arm gestures get anymore complex, they will start qualifying as actual sign language.
-in honor of my deaf audience... I shall now recap this Table match with the Acolytes in sign language!!
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-thank you. The Mop-Up: Friend to the Deaf
-well, how can I type if I'm moving my fingers and hands?
-Eddie G BEGGED Foley for a shot at Angle 2night. Mick said that Chyna had Angle tonight. Eddie promised to score Mick some cool hubcaps if he can make it happen. Mick made it happen. Mick ain't no fool.
-Gotta love the part where Mick threw darts at a picture of Al Snow's face.
-commercials
-WWF.com has registered 50'000 voters. "President McMahon"... it chilling... but not without charm.
-Jesse Ventura agreed to moderate this proposed debate. Jesse knows there ain't a chance in Hell, so he said yes just for shits and grins.
-personally, I'd MUCH rather see them debate on Letterman.
-Chyna steps out... DEMANDING that you treat her like a woman! (Okay then... YOU CALL THIS PIG STY CLEAN????? WHERE'S MY DINNER??? GO GET MY BELT!!!)
-She fires off her giant dildo. God Bless Hunter.
-Kurt Angle comes out. He stalls before entering the ring.
-Which bring Eddie out... running harder than the night he tried to slip into El Paso.
-Chyna is knocked out... Eddie and Kurt go at it.
-Finally... someone lighter than Angle. No, not Chyna... Chyna's fake boobs go at LEAST 20 pounds.
-oops... F-Up. Angle ducks an Eddie clothesline and hit Chyna. Eddie turns around. Kurt is too close... so Kurt just bumps into him. Eddie hauls ass backwards to the ropes and physically lifts himself up and throught the second and third rope. Meanwhile, my new Parrot, Jake, is on my shoulder and is currently crapping all over me. Thought you might like to know.
-Chyna beats on Angle a little
-As the Ref... wait a second... here I am, honoring my Deaf readers while my BLIND readers are ignored?? How DARE I...
-Here, in honor of my Blind readers... I will finish this segment in BRAILLE
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-There... only my blind audience can run their fingers across the sceen and enjoy my unique outlook!
-Eddie was the new IC champ, by the way. He got it by accident after sort of pinning Chyna. He felt bad, but also looked pretty satisfied. He also hid the belt behind his back once Chyna recovered. This stereotypical behavior is why Daisey Fuentes isn't returning their phone calls.
-Jesus H... I am LATE
-backstage, Test & Albert agree that HHH will learn what it's like to mess with a pair of MID-CARDERS!!!!!
-backstage, HHH tells Steph that he don't need her around to deal with a pair of MID-CARDERS!!! (Looks like we're heading for a COLLISION!!!!!!!!)
-commercials
-moments ago, Eddie became the new IC champion.
-Backstage, Eddie begs, pleads, and sweet talks a sobbing Chyna into accepting the fact that he is IC champ by accident... Chyna melts. Chyna also pops wood... dear God
-Test came down with Albert and Trish.
-HHH comes down
-It's two on one... but... come on. It's Hunter vs T & A... get real.
-Hunter cleaned house, then tried to Pedigree Trish, Test stopped it.
-Meanwhile, Kurt was standing behind Stephanie, who was engrossed in the match.
-Hunter ate a HUGE boot... then Albert Gorilla Slammed him into the ring. No small feat.
-Test with a Powerbomb.
-Test misses a Flying Elbow
-HHH with a standing Kneedrop... I think
-HHH knocks Albert out of the ring, Pedigreed Test, and won. Then he Pedigreed Albert. Does HHH teach Shane karate or something?
-Stephanie ran out and celebrated with her Husband. Now, what *I* would have done was have Trish strip down to a bikini... distract a gaping Hunter... and have Test sneak in the surprise pin. Maybe next time.
-Mick runs into a naked Midean backstage and tells him that the Streaking gimmick has GOT to go. Meanwhile, I cannot BELIEVE that I totally blanked and missed the whole streak thing last week. I remember seeing it too.
-commercials
-okay... here's the deal. The PTC came out and did their thing. Then Stevie Richards introduced their new member, Val Venis. Problem is, nobody told Val. Val came out and vehemently opposed this. Threats were exchanged. Val left.
-Backstage, Crash Holly practiced his pick up lines... Lord help me, I've used the "mirror line" once... it worked too. His name was Glenn. It was exquisite
-Big Bossman arrived and dumped milk on Crash. Dean Malenko asked what his problem was. BBM took him out too. There's a reason why I rushed through this... and you'll find out right after these...
-commercials
-Thank you Doctor... and the great NBC Orchestra... ladies and gentlemen it's time once again for a visit... from a Stranger from the East. The All-Knowing, All-Seeing... Sage, Soothsayer... and Kevin Sullivan's personal career advisor... here is CARNAC: THE MAGNIFICENT!
-*manic applause
-*Carnac enters
-WHOOPS
-*Carnac trips on his way over
-Are you okay? Great One?
-I am fine!! I always do that!
-Shoddy carpentry, Oh Luminent One.
-Ah... it's nice to be back at the great ScoopThis! Have they gotten ANY new material other than Hyatte?
-We are not at ScoopThis! Great Carnac!
-Say what?
-We are now at 411, your Effervence!!
-*spittake
-WE MOVED AGAIN??????
-Yes, you are correct, Sir.
-Oh for the love of GOD!!! IS HE TRYING TO LOSE HIS ENTIRE AUDIENCE???
-That very well be the case, Your Awesomeness.
-At least he didn't jump to the Uncensored Board
-That would insure a quick death, indeed. My Leige.
-I can't stand it... I just can't stand it.
-I hold in my hand, three envelopes. A child of 4... or even a Wrestleline writer can see that they are Hermetically sealed. They have been kept in a jar on OJ Simpson's porch since noon today. NO ONE (*sharply bangs the envelopes against the desk) knows the questions written in these envelopes but YOU, with your divine talents, shall provide the answers without even knowing the question! Are you ready... CARNAC?
-I am ready. May I have the first envelope.
-The first envelope...
-Carnac asks for total silence.
-Often times, Carnac gets his wish.
-*places envelope to forehead
-hermetically sealed
-why is the envelope all bloody?
-Because it was on OJ Simpson's porch, Oh Mighty One.
-Ah... that explains this strand of blonde hair then...
-Prosecutors must have missed it, Oh Observant One
-*places envelope to forehead again
-The PGA
-THE PGA
-The PGA
-The P...GA
-*rip... poof
-What do you call 200 hundred white guys chasing one black guy?
-HAHAHAHAHA HOOOOOOO HIYOOOOOOOOO
-May Widro write to you and say, "I thought you had an audience?"
-HIYOOOOOOO
-May Ashish log off AOL the second he sees you log on
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
-May the teenage girl of your dreams rant on about her stuffed Pandas
-Heeyoo
-May I have the second envelope
-The second envelope
-*places envelope to forehead
-Will moderate your board for food
-Will moderate your board for food!
-*rip... poof
-What sign is Trey Conway walking around Canada with?
-HAHAHAHAHAAAA HIYOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO
-May you get a letter from Trey tomorrow titled, "Et tu, Brutus?"
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
-May Murtz Jaffer call you "shady" behind your back.
-HEYOOOOO
-May Wrestleline's ECW recapper threaten you with a frivolous lawsuit.
-HIOOOOOYE VEYYYYY
-May you get flamed on every Delphi Wrestling board around.
-HEY YOOOOOOO
-Thank you
-I hold in my hand the LAST envelope
-*wild audience applause
-May you get hired to tame the rats in Stephanie McMahon's hair
-HIYOOOO
-May you invest your life savings into WCW
-HAWHAWHAWHAW
-May the best lay you've ever had also make your ears bleed
-HEYOOOO
-*places envelope to forehead
-Bill Goldberg, Chicken broth with leftovers, and Hyatte's Ex-Girlfriend
-Bill Goldberg, Chicken broth with leftovers, and Hyatte's Ex-Girlfriend
-*rip... poof
-Name a cheap Jew, a cheap Stew , and a cheap Screw
-HAHAHAHAHA KAAAA HAHAHAHAHA
-May this bit run longer than a typical Zimmerman column
-HIYOOOOOOOOO
-Thank You... I am CARNAC!!!
-GOODBYE CARNAC!!! GOOD BYE!!!!!
-okay then...
-Backstage, Edge and Christian agree that "genital warts" would be a PERFECT excuse to weasel out of their tag match tonight!
-Mick Foley walked in and said that if they tried to weasel out, he'll strip them of the belts and suspend them. Mick also said that Genital Warts can be QUITE painful. He must be sigh-kick
-The Big Bossman fought Steve Blackman all the way into the back. Crash and Malenko helped Blackman win. Blackman wasn't too happy. I'm tired. I'm on cruise control.
-backstage, Tazz found Foley and DEMANDED a match against Lawler tonight... ANY sort of stipulation!! Mick told Tazz to go flash some Gym Rat. Tazz insisted. Mick said Tazz could have Lawler AND Chris Jericho tonight with a mystery partner. Tazz didn't need no mystery partner tonight. Mick assured him that this partner was a "monster AND a multiple title holder!!" (they pull Chico Santana out of the mothballs?) Tazz agreed.
-commercials
-Bull Buchanon and the Goodfather came out. Val Venis came out with the Road Dogg. Road Dogg said Censorship is for faggots.
-They charge the ring.
-Val found himself DDTed on the ring floor. After Roady pinned the Goodfather. Bull attacked Doggy, then they carried a knocked out Val backstage.
-and all the way to a white van, with Steven Richards waiting. They took off.
-BRAINWASHING????? WE HAVEN'T SEEN THIS SINCE SULLIVAN TURNED MARK LEWIN INTO THE "PURPLE HAZE!!!"
-now THAT'S a little old schoolin' fo yo asses
-commercials
-Jerry Lawler left the announce table and entered the ring. He hasn't looked this happy in YEARS.
-well... since last week. He's lovin' life.
-Jericho came out.
-Tazz came out.
-"Real American" blasted. Ross screamed, "COULD IT BE???? IT COULDN'T!!!"
-Midean came out.
-what? you were expecting Hogan? IT'S A WORK!!!!!
-what? You were expecting Patterson? SO WAS I DAMMIT!!!
-meanwhile, Tazz was so stunned at this naked dude that he allowed Lawler to roll him up for the easy pin.
-Jericho and Lawler totally laughed at Tazz...
-LAWLER IS GOD!!!!! LAWLER IS JESUS H CHRIST HIS OWN DAMN SELF!!!!
-commercials
-during those...
-commercials
-Tazz managed to sneak all the way around the arena and get behind Lawler and choke him with a leather strap. Look, Lawler rules and all... but he's had 30 years in the sun... Tazz deserves a turn. Let's hope Lawler does the right thing and puts the guy over.
-Of course he will. The King walked into ECW and gave Tommy Dreamer a victory for the company. Lawler rules.
-The Ho's are at WWF New York.
-Jim Ross announces that Stone Cold Steve Austin will have a very special message sometime during Smackdown. He was going to have it tonight, but come on... it's Tuesday morning already.
-commercials
-Kane came out and took a seat next to Ross. Ross is just discovering a little something "extra" in his underwear right now as we speak.
-yeah.. JR likes to get the most out of his briefs... he wears them out for DAYS!! So do I. What's the problem?
-Kane mumbles something about Ross being safe tonight until such a time when he won't be safe. There's a REASON they gave him a kazoo, people!
-Edge and Christian came out.
-The Undertaker came out on his Hog... Kane said that Ross might call UT "a constant" (he did, when?), but McKane Stephenson (HAW) calls UT "manipulative, insensitive and... *mumble mumble* JEALOUS".
-Rocky comes out.
-They get going. Rocky and UT take turns on Christian. Kane says that it's "all about the WWF championship" (plus, a few Benjamins don't hurt, either!)
-Kane said he'll go through BOOKER T for the title belt. Ross did a double take, then said, "check please!"
-E & C worked on the UT. Kane asked JR if he knew what pain is. Ross admitted to getting a few wedgies back in the day... and there's the whole numb face thing... and he hasn't felt his erected pecker (or seen the damn thing, for that matter) in YEARS!
-UT took a beating... then fought back.
-He chokeslammed Christian... or tried to. Edge stopped it.
-Rocky was tagged in. He cleaned house.
-Benoit ran out. UT didn't let him get any further than the ringside. (did that make sense?)
-Rocky was doubleteamed...
-Edge clipped Rocky with a chair. Christian pinned him. Rocky kicked out.
-Rocky with the spinebuster
-Kane puilled out the Ref. Kane threw a chair into the ring. UT grabbed him. They fought.
-E & C grabbed two chairs and sandwiched Rocky's head. They didn't even TOUCH his valuable cranium... but rest assured, the clanging noise gave Rocky's ear drums one HELL of a workout.
-Christian pinned Rocky. Ross groaned, "DAMMIT!!" (F-You Jim.... ROCKY DOESN'T HAVE TO WIN EVERY GODDAM MATCH, YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!! IT'S NOT WRITTEN IN STONE!!!!!)
-Fair weathered prick... as soon as Austin gets it on with Rocky, Ross will switched alliegences faster than you can say "Madden blows young boys!"
-The show ends with E&C; in shock and the UT mouthing the words, "What the F**K happened?"
Umm.. decent show... normal stuff. eh.
Hey, you got a Carnac... f-you
You know what to do... if you choose to do it. I'm going to bed.
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